We’ve all been there.  Wanna get high but your lil girl is in the next room? Momma on the way , you know it dont smell like weed, but since you been smokin your paranoid and nervous? FRET NOT! I am here to help.


1. Fry Some Chicken?

Those lil grease droplets floating through the air, have a fine way of suckin in weed smoke. If your really worried go all out and burn some fried chicken.

2. A Smoke Bomb

I know it sounds drastic but under the right circumstances it works. If they ask pretend you were playin with some sparklers or something.

3. Incents

This is a tried and true method. However, be careful. Swithc it up. If you lightin “wild jungle monkey must” incents folks are going to know whats goin down. So switch it up. Throw in some “apple strawberry” or something.

4. Badussy!

Thats right…BADUSSY. Butt, dick and pussy rubbed real fast together, lubricated by slob and womenly juices , and for those who do it like “porn stars” finished with a nice spoonful or two of man gravy. This method is my personal favorite. It goes well with #3 Incents…Depending how freaky you are it goes well with #2 “Smoke Bomb”.



Light up a cigarette or two, some cloves, or maybe a black and mild. A few of these will extend your high and stink enough to drown out the weed.

Im sure I missed a few…ANY SUGGESTIONS?



“For those that are not aware, Cephas F. Lives aka Cephas F. Baby… got his start in , internet shit talking by mailing his least favorite people ” Fuck You Letters”. It was this wtfmoments.org first category (check em out more often, read up, support…mufuka). Some of these great letters included my ode to how much I hate Wesley Snipes black.blurple ass entitled “Wesley Snipes v. Fiddler from Roots“, my open expression hatred of the lack of heterosexual to sexual “Balance“, in the Gospel community. Tonight I would like to revist the literal letter format of the Wesley Snipes posting.

Dear “Niggaz that hate on Jay-Z for No Good damn Reason”,

Shut the fuck up you ole blank shooting, cock blockin, evil ass, hatin bitch. You aint got shit else to do but hate on a nigga whose life is shittin on yours. The nigga do shit you dreamed of, better than it ever could have been done. He is a trend setter. The nigga told you to stop wearing them fuck 4XL throw back jersey, and step ya game up. What ya trendy, fashion-slut ass do? Went the fuck out and bought a Camel Hair blazer. If hear another nigga, try to down play what this nigga does with music, money, and pop culture Imma Steiner-Line somebody.

Young Goldie, the mack forever
Heard they love it when I’m heard on hoes
Said a G don’t give a bitch no cheese or security codes
I agree, my lady ain’t no bitch, she gets whatever I own
So when you see her, understand that’s me, nigga
Understand I’m the same OG, nigga
I know the difference between a bitch and a B, nigga

If another nigga come to me with “Yea I mean so the nigga bagged Beyonce. She just an aite Bitch”. Niggas who say dumb shit like this is the reason why folks like Marion Berry get re-lected. Your fukin hateful and ignorant to the ways of the d’evils ! Beyonce is way finer than any broad you could snatch up cuz she earning way more money than most niggas in the game. Plus she thick as milkshake (damn shame what Kelis milkshake did to Nas).

If another of you hatin ass skinny jeans wearin tea baggers say some shit like ” That new Gucci Mane goo waaaayyyyy harder than Jay shit do. Kingdome Come was shitty. And the only song I liked was ‘Song Cry’ ” Imma Mike Vick one you dawg hoes. Hook you to a car battery and mash the gas… you bitch you. First off, I fucks with Gucci. He does go hard in the trunk. But so does them Timbaland beats Jay ripped. Plus Gucci himself said he wasn’t the most “articulate” rapper.

Survive the droughts, i wish you well…
Survive the droughts? I wish you well?
How sick am i? I wish you HEALTH

I wish you wheels, i wish you wealth
I wish you insight so you could see for yourself

Last, if another one of yall niggas tell me “American gangsta was just ok. You aint get Reasonable Doubt. He to busy tryin to make niggas read think and all types of stupid shit like that” Imma make ya momma shave ya asshole at  gun point, tie a container of Vaseline to your back, and leave you stranded at your local penitentiary’s First Annual “Bottom- Party” (no pants) sponsored by the good folks at Astro Glide, and Dr. Assrip’s Colon-Rectal Clinic. American Gangsta was one of the best albums in the last 15 years. Instant Classic from track one. Your remedial ass prolly aint get past 6th English because just like American Gangster you weren’t ready for Reasonable Doubt. Cock sucker..

For, now Im done calling your lame ass out. I leave you with this.

The world is back in order the number one rap recorder is back
You cats overfelt yourself, You couldn’t help yourself, now witness the reel for reel
In my absence cats get, absent-minded, Now it’s time to rewind and remind ’em, why I’m in the position that I am
changin the game, my game could nail Madonna, Well after I’m gone, they’ll honor
history in the makin, Pistol Pete
leave competition shakin without missin the beat
Chasin the hi-hat all over the track, The snare is scared of the air in here, BOOM!
And plus I get paper dog, don’t let me forget, The watch face so blue like it’s holdin it’s breath
Can’t see me skill for skill or check for check, It’s the bow tie flow dog, I bring it to your neck
Live and correct I will bring it to your set
I got now, I don’t care who got next, Rapper slash exec, Kordell Stewart
Your flow all y’all usin is mine, you’re all useless
You ain’t a factor, who are you foolin?
You all are faggots, you takin it backwards (takin it backwards)
I’m tryin to progress with this rap shit
Nigga, nigga your whole career is a accident
Who was gassin ’em? (Fuck outta here!)

Fuck you very much,

Cephas F. Lives


garbage underground rap videos

I have a guilty pleasure folks…I got a thing for really shitty underground rap videos. They tend to have shity lyrics, fly cars, local tramps hoodrats and strippers tryna to fulfill there dream of being a video ho, and just random funny shit. Here are a few of my favorites..


To begin why do they have this regular as white chick in the video early like she hot shit. Yo, what the fuck is up with the chick singing the hook? I cant decide what is flatter them notes she missin on her tits. Her boobies just saggin like they sleep. Her breast look like a produce bag full of wooden nickels. Id also like to gain clarification on who the fuck di the wardrobe on this vid. Looks like they hit up the 4th of July sales at the reebok outlet store. Why the hell is that hottube so damn little. They got 4 people in a regular ass tub.




Street Fights

The Ron Artest Michael Jackson tribute really made me think of my favorite ugly things I just cant help but to pay attention to. #1 on that list is good ole fashion street fight.  For my folks that grew up anywhere need a housing project you know the type. Nothing but space, opportunity and a crowd on lookers encourage the two  combatants to have it out. No guns allowed it ends with one clear victor.

While doing my research this clip was one of my favorite. The young lady in the sports bra seemed better prepared both mentally and physically. She rallied from a early knock down to completely kick the other girls ass and embarrass her. LETS WATCH!

I present this clip to demonstrate one of the few things my dad taught me. “Son never fight someone uglier than you. They aint got shit to lose”. In this clip you find to fat ugly women going at it. WHAT A BATTLE! (fast forward to the 1:00 min mark)

This next brawl simultaneously demonstrates and break several rules. First off never fight a crack head. Typically they have super human strength and a scuffle could expose you to one of many diseases transmitted by blood born pathogens.  The non-crackhead participant in this clip decided to break this rule. Rightfully so, she was being provoked like hell. She turned the cheek initially but soon gave in. The second violation was committed by the crackhead. Never pick a fight, get you ass kicked and then say “ok, ok, ok OKAY YOU COOL!?” Special thanks go to the dude filming this clip for the great commentary.

What would a street fight post be without a appearance by arguably the greatest documented street fighter of all times KIMBO SLICE. This is a great example of how one should never fight if their heart is not 100% into it. Kimbo’s victim was bitching up from the beginning. Check out his eye at the very end of the clip.



I really do miss Michael Jackson. I was having a hard time mourning his passing in a method worth of WTFMoments.org. Then Los Angeles Lakers newly signed Power Forward Ron Artest came through in the clutch and dropped this jewel. Ron loves MJ so much he changed his jersey number to “37” in honor of the number of weeks “Thriller” was #1 on the billboard pop charts. Way to go Ron… way to go…



When Bad Things Happen to Bad People – “The Cake Catastrophe of 2009”

To properly appreciate this posting please read the previous post entitled “Ugly Chicks Can F*CK!!!- tips essential to securing a ugly mistress”

My years of experience on planet earth have taught me a few valuable lessons.

  1. Never use fishnet rubbers
  2. Don’t chase wine with cognac
  3. When you put your all into to do something grimey, you will produce really shitty results.

#3 should have been on my mind when I began planning my activities for this holiday weekend. My bottom bitch (a.k.a. ole lady) was getting on my nerves. I took the advice provided in my previous post and made plans to steal away to kick it with my ugly mistress. She isn’t the most attractive but she is reliable, quiet, and unassuming. In short she is a real “basic bitch” (See http://www.twitter.com/lilduval).

I planned this trip last weekend and from the start something just didn’t sit right with me. My conscience (the lil nigga on my shoulder)  from the onset of the premeditated excursion of foulness said, “Say cuz…i dunno about this shit”. As usual I ignored him and kept it moving. I already had the day off work. I told my ole lady that I was going up the coast to check out a antique shop I heard about (not sure how this excuse worked… in fact it probably didn’t). Everything was going smooth.

The official plan was to arrive in her city early, around 9am. Since the ugly chick is about 2 hours away I would have to leave my coastal town around 7am. We were to bang prison style, from 9am until 4pm at which time I would return home arriving at my place about 6pm. In between skin slapping and cum shooting we were to smoke dro and drink wine. Sounds like a lot of fun don’t it?

Te first sign that this trip was a bad idea came the night before. I called the weed man and he told me “Yea Ill be through in like 15mins I got you”. 2 hours later he still had not shown. Typical weed man. Always asking a nigga for a job but when you got some business for him he is no where to be found. The day of the trip, I went to the local gas station and snatched a hand-full of black n milds to substitute for the dro, and hit the road.

The trip began very peaceful. I blasted Jay-Z’s vol 2, smoked black and milds and enjoyed the sun. About 30 mins into the 3h hour drive I hit a stretch of 10 state highway patrol cops trying to snag holiday travelers. Not a big deal at all. Just a minor snag. Nonetheless this was clearly sign number 2 that my black azz did not need to be doing this.

When I made it to the ugly chicks place I soon saw sign number three that this was not a good idea. Her apartment complex look like 9 slaves quarters time warped from 1793 Trinidadian sugar plantations. The roofs had holes in them. Dogs , cats, and strangely enough goats ran freely through the yard along side barefoot plump diapered toddlers. Adults sat on the porch seemingly oblivious as if this was all ok. I honked my horn and she came outside. As expected her face was unattractive. She looked like she lost a headbutting contest to Sam Cassel. Her body was nice though. Despite this my conscious was still telling me this wasn’t the best thing to do. In fact he was screaming “NIGGA RUN!”. I wish I would have listened but I didn’t. I guess the nice guy in me trumped my common sense. I didn’t want to completely trash this woman’s self esteem. I had already made it clear I was only going smut her out, standing her up might destroy her. The cheap nigga in me was chanting ” NIGGA YOU DONE SPENT ALL THIS GAS MONEY YOU GONNA FUCK SOMETHING!”

The cheap nigga in me won out. She came to the car and told me I couldn’t come inside because she lived with her grandma. I didn’t know this in advance. This was warning #3. Why the fuck is a 27 year old living with her g-mama still? Can you say…Basic Bitch? From there it all went downhill.

She grumbled…

“Since we cant go inside I figured we could use my Newport money and get a room. What you think?”

My response: “Newport money?….aite”.

Once again the cheap nigga in me won out, and I dug my self into a deer hole. She gave me a clear opportunity to back out. I received sign #4 that this was not a good idea and did not back out. She awarded me a obvious out of this carnal plan of plunder, and I did not take it.

Less than 10 mins later I find myself down the street at some greasy hotel. It looked like somewhere you would go if you were on the run from the feds. It came complete with an abandoned put put golf course, and cemented over swimming pool. The room itself smelled like burned chicken greese. As soon as we get in she was on me like stink on shit. She started giving me head and thought to myself “Your conscience aint shit , this aint half bad.” I do the normal thing and tell her to “Take it deep”. Big mistake.

She “takes it deep” and I look down to enjoy the view only to see her fill my lap with what looked liked pureed banana.. She leaned back, coughed and said “I ate cake for breakfast”. She had thrown up on my dick and I was horrified. I threw her off me and ran into the shower. With my right sock still on I turned the water on full blast. The temperature setting was somewhere between “Skin Blister” and “Permantely Disfigure”. I felt like a rape victim trying to rinse away the shame. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.  I doused my man region with whatever toiletry near by. Shampoo, soap, an mouth wash. I even tried to buff away the vulgarity with the complimentary shoe shine mitt. If they had Ajax in the shower I would have used it. I felt like I needed to rinse my soul off in medical grade Clorox. I wanted to soak my body in lye soap mixed with ammonia. I just felt filthy.

When I got out the shower I half way threw my clothes on and bounced out the room. Full speed I ran down the hallway. The last thing I heard the ugly chick say was “Whats wrong? Did I say something?”  Which leads me to believe she has done this before.

Moral of the story is, if you work hard to do some foul shit, you will get foul results. Don’t do it.


Ugly Chicks Can F*CK!!!- tips essential to securing a ugly mistress

If you did not know ugly chicks can fuck. Mr. Nasty Luke Campbell himself did a whole song about em. Do you need a piece of pussy you can call on rain or shine, day or nite, sweaty balls or clean balls? You need a ugly chick.

Why? They typically have low self esteem; as a result they won’t understand why anyone on your level would ever fuck with you. As a result they won’t ask many questions and will do as told. Have you ever wanted to violently skull fuck a woman like they do on the pornos? Get you a ugly chick. They will put up with waaay more shit than anyone pretty woman. Best part is you don’t have to be bothered with em except for when you wanna get your rocks off. It sounds bad but they know how things go. After all I didn’t say get a stupid chick.

Here are a few tips, tricks and pointers for those of you who can’t wait to rush home and find you a ugly chick.

1. Don’t Look to Hard

You don’t want to scrounge about looking for an ugly woman. After all they are ugly. If they get the sense that you’re the slightest bit pressed they will start feeling themselves, self esteem will mount and you will lose the upper hand.

2. Find one Close By

This kinda ties into #1. Don’t look for your ugly chick in neighborhoods across town, definitely not out of town. You want a chick that is close. No sense in wasting precious gas money on a woman you skeet on and then leave. Great places to find an ugly chick include: the corner store, gas station, Payless, and the lunch meat counter of your local grocery store.

3. They should only be Ugly in the Face

OK this should be a no brainer. If she has an ugly face she should at least have a great body. To be more specific the only things that are allowed to be ugly on your ugly jump off are her feet, hands and face. No bullet wounds, bellies, or stretch marks. Ideally you should be able to close your eyes, feel her booty and pretend that you’re fuckin Beyonce.. Jada Pinkett even. Of course when you open your eyes you will be in for a very rude awakening, but for those few brief moments before your dick vomits on her back..You’ll feel like hero. If I were you I take anything that was disease free, friendly, non-obese, a fridge full of food, and healthy teeth.

4. Be Safe

WTFMoments.org wouldn’t be the world’s foremost expert on moments that make you say “WTF” If I didn’t make the following statement. If you can go raw with your ugly chick do it! I know it’s a risk , so before you do so get her checked out. That’s right, take her to clinic and get her papers certified like you would a prize albino pitbull. Don’t worry, she will be happy to do so, just so she can juggle your balls to and fro in her jowls. While you’re there get the pill, patch, or some form of birth control.

**WARNING** Even with birth control you may want to use a rubber..Maybe two. Your ugly chick may get smart, fall in love with you and try to trap you with a baby. You ever see a nigga with a ugly broad and be totally confused how that shit happened? His ass got trapped by his ugly chick. Don’t be a victim.

5. Dont Be Seen Out in Public w/Them

This is essential! Unless you lose your mind and decide to wife your ugly chick don’t fuck this rule up. Your ugly chick may get bold and try to dupe you into being seen with her. It’ll be something simple like “Lets go run to the corner and get some more blunts”. Your knee jerk reaction will be to say “Aite”.. but no! Don’t do it. As soon as your seen with your ugly chick in public, folks will put 2 and 2 together. The cute chicks will run and the ugly ones…will come.

6. Ugly…But not tooo Ugly

If you get a ugly woman don’t take it to far. She may not be a traditional beauty but avoid a woman  that is plane hard to look at. Men immediately lose interest in any woman immediately after sex. Imagine how it would feel to lose interest in a ugly woman? So hedge your risk.

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