A few years back I went to a bachelor party with my fraternity brothers from college. As we awaited the arrival of the “hoes” we all stood outside getting drunk. I pulled out and promptly freaked a black n mild. 
I took two drags and one of the more righteous brothers stepped out of nowhere and said “NO! Don’t do that, you’re killing yourself. That’s the problem with black folks they always killing themselves slow”. He proceeded to take the black n mild from my mouth (nh), throw it on the ground and stomp it out. I looked up in disgust and said “Wait, we at a bachelor party, we gonna be smacking azz and sucking tit nipples in about 20 minutes.” His response.. “Ah damn true…my bad”.
Author Archive for didhesaythat
In my endless pursuit of world domination, I have come across many of interesting characters. That pursuit of world domination was recently thwarted by a case of hemorrhoids that just wouldn’t quit, (that will also be detailed in a blog that has not yet been completed). During my recovery I thought of many funny stories I encountered will getting my “pinky and the brain” on. My favorite began while I was campaigning for one of my many elected positions. I had a meeting with the distinguished, 90 year-old Dr. Pliers.
I was there because I needed his and all the other old guys’ votes. If I got him to support me, then the rest would swing my way. So I go in with my campaign pamphlet. My young pretty wife was with me, lookin all young, yella and fuckable. YES! I brought my “A” game, ladies and pricks.
So, I sit down, my wife crosses her legs, and I begin to campaign. Dr. Pliers had other plans. At first I thought he was just damn crazy, then I realized that he also brought his “A” Game. He wanted to see how much I would revere my elders, and if I would at least genuinely pretend to give a fuck what he was talking about.
Believe it or not I actually listened. Dude was funny, but he wasn’t trying to be. He laid such classics as “you know young lady, women should learn how to sew because they may need to lower the hem of their dress just a weeeee bit to cover a leg that may catch an old doctor’s wandering eye. A hehehe.”
Now the pinnacle of fuckitude occurred when he said, “Now, see young lady, you got long, pretty, black hair. You got good hair. Now, see my wife, she had hair just like that. I told my wife back in ‘59, I say, ‘Cheryl you better grow your hair real long….then cut it and then grow real long…then cut it again.’ Now, see young lady, I’d advise you to grow your hair real long…then cut it…then grow it real long….then cut it again! Imm tellin you, do what I say… Don’t believe me? Come here.”
OK, so now Doc. Pliers is yankin’ me and my wife, by the hand, to the back room. He kicks open the door where an old, pale, light-skinned woman dressed only in a white slip and matching bra stood with the look of pure horror on her face. By the look she had on her face, you woulda thought she stumbled onto a secret midget porn ring. Now, I say she had a bra on just to be nice. It very well could have been that she was a alien, and what I thought was bra was in fact slings for her 2 extra arms which were obviously broken since they looked liked they could tuck into her waist band.( this is a reference to her saggy breasts!). Of course she gets all upset and screams, “DOCTOR!” He quickly directs us to “STAY!” cause we were running out the room. All the skin and saggy woman sacks kinda fucked up our day. But shit, the doc insisted, I figured this may get funnier, so we stayed. Next thing I know doc is directing our attention to his wife’s head, which, I would like to note, was bald as fuck. She ain’t have but a thimble full of whiskers blowing across her head, culminating in a wispy-ass ponytail.
If it weren’t for Christ dying for our sins, I may have burst into laughter right into the face of the saggy breast, bald-headed woman. Instead I relaxed, smiled, and got the fuck out of there. All the while doc repeated, “See, see!” As our car was pulling off, I looked into the entrance of the doctor’s practice. He and his wife waved good bye as the doctor pinched and held all 1.5 inches of his wife’s wispy-ass pony tail off her bald head.
05
Nov
08
MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!
MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!! HAHAHA!!! I MAY NEVER BE UNHAPPY AGAIN!!!! To all the Americans that are salty as the lil white girl on the Mortons Salt Box… get the fuck over it. Its gonna be a long 4 yrs. Sad thing is I know just how you feel. I felt the same way when you idiots elected Bush …twice.
To all the Black folks out there, as you celebrate this special day, please keep in mind that we still Black in America. So I’ve found a list of rules for you to abide just to keep the peace.
1) No crying, hugging or shouting “Thank you Lord” – in public.
2) No high-fives – at least not unless the area is clear and there are no witnesses.
3) No laughing at the McCain/Palin supporters.
4) No calling in sick on November 5th. They’ll get nervous if too many of us don’t show up for work.
5) We’re allowed to give each other knowing winks or nods in passing. Just try to keep from grinning too hard.
6) No singing loudly, “We’ve come this Far By Faith” (it is acceptable to hum softly).
7) No barbecue ribs or fried chicken for lunch in the company lunchroom for at least a week (no chitterlings at all).
No leaving Kool-Aid packages at the water fountain (this might be seen as a sign that poor folks might be getting a break through).
9) No Cupid Shuffle during breaks (this could indicate too much excitement).
10) Please no “Moving on Up” music (we are going to try to remain humble).
11) No doing the George Jefferson dance (unless you’re in your office with the door closed).
12) Please try not to yell — BOOYAH!
13.) Just in case you’re wondering, doing the Running Man, Cabbage Patch, or a back hand spring on the highway is 100% okay.
Oh “let me be clear” I gotta keep this celebration hood so in honor of Barack “1st Black President” Obama I want you all to turn your desktop speakers up loud den a mufuka and play the following youtube vid. Fuck who hear it! MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!
400 yrs ago a woman from West Africa gave birth to her white slave masters child. The conception of this child was likely non-consensual. This child of mixed race was born into a socially, emotionally, and physically torturous existence. He was only sustained by God and his indomitable will to survive. His only dream was that one day he would be free. As hope was replaced by hopelessness and struggle became the norm, that dream faded and wilted to nothing. That man’s dream was replaced by the hope that maybe someday his children would be free.
400 years later another man of West African and European descent stands on the edge of a slippery precipice, precariously atop a teetering edifice, approaching the cusp of bringing the dream of that slave to life. He stand hours away from creating a moment and initiating a time in American history rivaled only by Pleasey v. Ferguson, Roe v. Wade, Brown v. Board of Education, and the “ I Have a Dream Speech”. As Barack Obama stands so close to fulfilling the dreams of our ancestors, we recognized that just as much as this election is not about race, it is about race. It is about race, for the descendants of those men and women that died during the middle passage. It is about race for the descendants of the thousands of black Americans that were lynched, denied adequate healthcare, and offered subpar education. It is about race, for the descendants of the Tuskegee Experiment victims. It is about race for the families of Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, Emmitt Till and Martin Luther King Jr.
We as black people understand this election is about race because for the first time in our country’s history white American stands face to face with black Americans. They willingly denounce the engrained doctrine of hate and oppression manifested and perpetuated by their ancestors, and collectively rebuff Americas past by denouncing the cheers jeers of “no you can’t!” by replacing them with the shouts and yelps of “yes we can!”. Follow their lead; sustain this trend, and today Vote Barack Obama the President of these United States of America.
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