To properly appreciate this posting please read the previous post entitled “Ugly Chicks Can F*CK!!!- tips essential to securing a ugly mistress”

My years of experience on planet earth have taught me a few valuable lessons.

1. Never use fishnet rubbers
2. Don’t chase wine with cognac
3. When you put your all into to do something grimey, you will produce really shitty results.

#3 should have been on my mind when I began planning my activities for this holiday weekend. My bottom bitch (a.k.a. ole lady) was getting on my nerves. I took the advice provided in my previous post and made plans to steal away to kick it with my ugly mistress. She isn’t the most attractive but she is reliable, quiet, and unassuming. In short she is a real “basic bitch” (See www.twitter.com/lilduval).

I planned this trip last weekend and from the start something just didn’t sit right with me. My conscience (the lil nigga on my shoulder)  from the onset of the premeditated excursion of foulness said, “Say cuz…i dunno about this shit”. As usual I ignored him and kept it moving. I already had the day off work. I told my ole lady that I was going up the coast to check out a antique shop I heard about (not sure how this excuse worked… in fact it probably didn’t). Everything was going smooth.

The official plan was to arrive in her city early, around 9am. Since the ugly chick is about 2 hours away I would have to leave my coastal town around 7am. We were to bang prison style, from 9am until 4pm at which time I would return home arriving at my place about 6pm. In between skin slapping and cum shooting we were to smoke dro and drink wine. Sounds like a lot of fun don’t it?

Te first sign that this trip was a bad idea came the night before. I called the weed man and he told me “Yea Ill be through in like 15mins I got you”. 2 hours later he still had not shown. Typical weed man. Always asking a nigga for a job but when you got some business for him he is no where to be found. The day of the trip, I went to the local gas station and snatched a hand-full of black n milds to substitute for the dro, and hit the road.

The trip began very peaceful. I blasted Jay-Z’s vol 2, smoked black and milds and enjoyed the sun. About 30 mins into the 3h hour drive I hit a stretch of 10 state highway patrol cops trying to snag holiday travelers. Not a big deal at all. Just a minor snag. Nonetheless this was clearly sign number 2 that my black azz did not need to be doing this.

When I made it to the ugly chicks place I soon saw sign number three that this was not a good idea. Her apartment complex look like 9 slaves quarters time warped from 1793 Trinidadian sugar plantations. The roofs had holes in them. Dogs , cats, and strangely enough goats ran freely through the yard along side barefoot plump diapered toddlers. Adults sat on the porch seemingly oblivious as if this was all ok. I honked my horn and she came outside. As expected her face was unattractive. She looked like she lost a headbutting contest to Sam Cassel. Her body was nice though. Despite this my conscious was still telling me this wasn’t the best thing to do. In fact he was screaming “NIGGA RUN!”. I wish I would have listened but I didn’t. I guess the nice guy in me trumped my common sense. I didn’t want to completely trash this woman’s self esteem. I had already made it clear I was only going smut her out, standing her up might destroy her. The cheap nigga in me was chanting ” NIGGA YOU DONE SPENT ALL THIS GAS MONEY YOU GONNA FUCK SOMETHING!”

The cheap nigga in me won out. She came to the car and told me I couldn’t come inside because she lived with her grandma. I didn’t know this in advance. This was warning #3. Why the fuck is a 27 year old living with her g-mama still? Can you say…Basic Bitch? From there it all went downhill.

She grumbled…

“Since we cant go inside I figured we could use my Newport money and get a room. What you think?”

My response: “Newport money?….aite”.

Once again the cheap nigga in me won out, and I dug my self into a deer hole. She gave me a clear opportunity to back out. I received sign #4 that this was not a good idea and did not back out. She awarded me a obvious out of this carnal plan of plunder, and I did not take it.

Less than 10 mins later I find myself down the street at some greasy hotel. It looked like somewhere you would go if you were on the run from the feds. It came complete with an abandoned put put golf course, and cemented over swimming pool. The room itself smelled like burned chicken greese. As soon as we get in she was on me like stink on shit. She started giving me head and thought to myself “Your conscience aint shit , this aint half bad.” I do the normal thing and tell her to “Take it deep”. Big mistake.

She “takes it deep” and I look down to enjoy the view only to see her fill my lap with what looked liked pureed banana.. She leaned back, coughed and said “I ate cake for breakfast”. She had thrown up on my dick and I was horrified. I threw her off me and ran into the shower. With my right sock still on I turned the water on full blast. The temperature setting was somewhere between “Skin Blister” and “Permantely Disfigure”. I felt like a rape victim trying to rinse away the shame. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.  I doused my man region with whatever toiletry near by. Shampoo, soap, an mouth wash. I even tried to buff away the vulgarity with the complimentary shoe shine mitt. If they had Ajax in the shower I would have used it. I felt like I needed to rinse my soul off in medical grade Clorox. I wanted to soak my body in lye soap mixed with ammonia. I just felt filthy.

When I got out the shower I half way threw my clothes on and bounced out the room. Full speed I ran down the hallway. The last thing I heard the ugly chick say was “Whats wrong? Did I say something?”  Which leads me to believe she has done this before.

Moral of the story is, if you work hard to do some foul shit, you will get foul results. Don’t do it.