I’ve always believed the universe needs balance. It’s more than a spiritual belief, it’s a way of life to me. I’d probably go ahead and say it’s religious but I haven’t found the corresponding Bible verse to back this up. I am pretty sure I’m right because this feeling or belief, rings true in many other cultures, most notably the Chinese culture and their concept of the Yin and Yang (not to be confused with Kane and D-Rock a.k.a. the Ying Yang Twinz).

Balance is lacking in today’s society. This is especially true in our most recent name for the cultural sub-group formerly know as “Colored Folk” or “Niggers” (notice the “er” at the end, NAACP): Black America. I will expose this travesty against all things good in the world, but not quiet mainstream, through music. Why music? Music is the longest running, continuous historical record we have. Yes, folks, all them slave songs Big Momma used to sing around the house while she was cleaning chitlins are historical records.

Let’s begin with hip hop. I recently did a blog on how whack it was for Ice-T (one of my light-skinned heroes) to openly tell a 17-year-old boy to, “Eat a dick”. Shit like that is out of pocket. Quietly, I wanted to call John Stocil from NBC’s pedophile dragnet, “To Catch Predator”. If Soulja Boy was like 22, this snafu of gayitude would only require Ice-T to shout out, “NO HOMO”. The negro gods of all things ignorant would be appeased and this would be a open and closed case. However, Ice told a 17-year-old to, “Eat a dick”. This li’l nigga just got pubes like four summers ago. I would say a “No pedophilia” or “No Tevin Campbell” would be in order, but in situations like this I can only tell Ice, “That was a really poor choice of words.”

Anyway, Soulja Boy is a’ight with me. I downloaded his last CD. I liked it so much I went to the African dude at the gas station and bought my very own bootleg copy. I was snapping and leaning and shit. After about an hour of that, my high wore off and I put on some CL Smooth. I needed to balance all that ignorant shit out. I killed liked 20 brain cells listening to this nigga; I needed to regenerate 30. So let me put on something “time travelin” and “mind unravelin”. Ladies and gentlemen, what I did here was exercise balance in my musical selection.

I learned how to do this as high school student. Im from a country-ass town with big aspirations of becoming a mid-major market. As a result, I got into all of the most ignorant music the South had to offer. Don’t get me wrong, these guys were lyrical giants, but no matter how eloquent you talk about killing a nigga with an AK-47, you’re still killing him. I mean, I had every Master P, No Limit, UGK, and Suave House cassette that came out for a five year swing. But damn, Master P taught me how to be “ROWDY ROWDY AND BOUT IT BOUT IT”. To BALANCE this out I listened to old A Tribe Called Quest, KRS-One, and Nas.

As an adult I finally have balance. I can super soak all over a chicks neck and tonsil region. Then, I can hand my beautiful Black sista a towel and a few kind words of thanks because KRS-One taught me the importance of respecting my Black sistas. I can drink two 40 ounces and go to the strip club all night, and then wake up the next morning to pass out breakfast to the homeless.

A blatant culprit imbalance is radio. For whatever reason, they think that just because I know all the words to Nelly’s classic single, “Tip Drill”, I don’t think Murs 3:16 shoulda sold, like, 11 billion copies. As a result, we have a generation of listeners that have only received one side of the equation: Pussy, weed, and money. I personally love all three , and I encourage EVERYONE to do all three at the exact same time cuz mannnnn, fuckin’, smokin’, and countin’ money at the same time is THE SHIT! Only thing is after you do that you really need to pray, purge, and read.

Gospel Music

It’s my opinion that the one way to save hip hop is to make gospel rap a little bit more mainstream. If you really listen, it’s better than at least 25% of the bullshit on the radio. This movement is, of course, being held back by the same folks who are telling me that there is no way in Hell I like Luke’s “Big Booty Hoes” and Blackstarr’s one — and unfortunately only — CD. If they think that rapping about the salvation of our race is a problem they must really not wanna fucks with Jesus.

It’s very obvious that the fear of a positive message is one big problem these people have. However, they’re also a bit afraid that gospel music will all GAY UP their record label. This is a very fair concern. Not because all gospel artists are fudge packers and carpet munchers. It’s because gospel music lacks fuckin’ balance.

Rock and roll has balance. On one hand, they have Marilyn “I cut out my own rib so I can suck my dick” Manson (by the way, that is a dedication to masturbation that an even stranger segment of society would applaud). On the other hand, they have John “I dropped the Cougar” Mellencamp.

Gospel music has brought us… Fred Hammond and Kirk Franklin.

First Id like to comment that Fred Hammond has five haircuts. He has locks in the back, a bald fade on the side, a little bit before the bald fade is a taper, and he has a shag on top. Somehow he appears to look incredibly strange in this picture. So much so that the young ladies in this picture are almost overlooked. He looks so weird that If you told me the man in this picture was his “significant other,” I’d believe you.

Kirk Franklin…..his shirt says it all. I won’t go all out and call Kirk a flamethrower, but I will say he don’t look like nobody I’d like to kick it with. Would you really invite a man with a red satin, paisley blouse to your house to watch the game? Hell no. The faces of gospel are just a little bit off. There’s something about them that prevents you from sayin’, “I’m just like him”. Note, I am very careful in requesting that these gospel artist use “no homo”. Typically Kirk would have earned at least a “pause” for this picture alone. The reason they do not need to shout a semi-derogatory phrase to convince the homophobic world that they aren’t gay (you know, no homo!), is because they might actually be gay. Since gospel runs from sexuality (as it should), they remain very ambiguous. However, if they were gay i wouldn’t be surprised. After all, everyone knew the one gay dude in the choir or playing piano in their church growing up.

It’s not that there isn’t a place for gay people or weirdos in gospel. I just think we need some balance. We need more regular people. They do not need to be over the top with their faith, because not every devout Christian greets everyone with “God Bless You” or “Jesus Loves”. For some of us, religion is very personal and private. For those of us that fall into this category, we need an artist we can call our own. For a brief moment R. Kelly was leaning towards filling this void and was doing a damned good job. But then he off and decided fuckin’ a high school gymnast was more important and we lost that.

Surprisingly, I blame the same people that prevent gospel from being mainstream for keeping it bogged down in some weird, possibly gay, non-cool abyss. They do shit like let Tye Tribbet or Tonex host the red carpet at the BET Awards. Look at these two… come on! I can’t relate to them. Their entire message is lost because Ty looks like Rick Smileys character “Lil Daryl” come to life and Tonex….well, WTF can you say about Tonex that his fuckin’ picture cant.

Tonex look like someone took Shera, 80’s rock queen Blondie, Cher, and Bruce Leroy from Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, minced and chopped their looks into one being, and served it FLAMING HOT!

People, this is an emergency. We really need some regular people in gospel music. They need balance. At the very least we need, like, a militia of Christian stylists and image consultants to swoop down on the gospel music world and spread the message of “What the fuck are you thinking!”

Facebok/Myspace Profile

Balance, is today’s theme. I want you all to open your Facebook or Myspace pages as soon as you get done reading this blog. Make sure you have balance. Fellas, if you fuck 5-10 times a week, please have a Bible verse that corresponds to your sinful yet hopeful ways. Don’t put up something about how “the Lord is my guide and my footstep stray not from his path” because that is a fuckin’ lie. Put something realistic like “the Lord is my guide my footsteps stray not from his path… except when new pussy comes up. Shit I’m working on it…. don’t judge me”. Ladies, if you sucked five dicks last night don’t talk about “In my free time I hang out with friends from church, go to church, and have private Bible Study with deacon “Do Wrong”. This would only be suitable if you put in the footnotes that by “Bible Study” you mean “go suck all of your church friends off.”